Thursday, 2 July 2015

The Appropriate Manner to Grunt

Many of you have been asking, how exactly do we grunt? I've tried to answer briefly in the comments, but I don't think it's working. Grunting is a tried and true technique when playing tennis that has been developed over the years, since the birth of tennis even, and requires more than one line explanations. This is why I am sharing with you the series, The Appropriate Manner to Grunt, which consists of seven highly detailed parts. However, as each part will take time to digest, practice and hopefully perfect, they will be given to you spread out in uneven intervals as to keep you on your toes and ever anxious for the arrival of the next part.

In Part I, we will be briefly addressing the four major categories of grunts, including a short description of what makes your grunt a specific kind of grunt and the basic, appropriate uses of each type of grunt. Each category will be delved into further in the other parts. Furthermore, the other parts will have audio aids to help you capture the essence of each kind of grunt, so do not fear if you can't comprehend this by reading words alone.

Look forward to Part I in the near future and keep practicing what you think is your signature grunt in the meantime!

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Espionage in the Courts

Yesterday we promised a post about posing. We prepared music, speakers, and cameras, and had pumped ourselves up to deliver the best performance of our life... until we arrived at the local suburban courts. Playing beside our regular court was a couple who we immediately noticed as being out of place. With our higher intelligence it wasn't hard to figure that they were spies. Jonas and Sam. Father and son. Spy one and spy two.

With a cursory glance and a swish of our tennis-tails we strode past and fell into safe mode. This is an important setting that all great tennis players should have. Poses are a secret power, a hidden move bestowed unto you by the rhythm in your soul and the groove in your heart. If you wish to protect them from spies such as the young father-son couple we ourselves spied today, then I suggest you follow these guidelines.

The first thing you want to do is create a game plan. Group up to warm up, and looking into each other's eyes communicate as much as you can without words. Then assign all relevant parties code names under your breath. Stretch, breathe, "blue", breathe, stretch, "Sam". You have now assigned the young man in blue the name Sam. Look into each other's eye to confirm the name. After finishing this for all necessary people beeline to your respective halves of the court while calling out a random name and a goal to make it seem natural.

For instance, "Good luck today Fabianna, let us commence a square game!"

Your partner is now named Fabianna, and you will be playing a game with no poses above level square, the lowest level of posing.

The game that follows should be a terribly poor, boring game. There should be nothing to see on your court aside from your gorgeous selves. For extra assurance, get hit by the spies' tennis ball. It really throws them off.

You know you have succeeded in the deception if they leave before you. As they leave, be sure to look at them and laugh rambunctiously, as if they were the poor players.

Hopefully, you'll never have to use this, but it never hurts to be prepared. Play safe, and keep patient while we work on our pose post.